Are you living in pain constantly? You are not alone…Everybody else made money off of you and me in the name of self-cultivation! Let me tell you why and where it went wrong for us……….


Like some of you, I am a working class citizen; in my head I’m a “middle class” but the reality of high cost of living is showing me a state of uncertainty that causes lots of stress and my mind likes to play into the “I have cut down all my spending and it is not enough. I do not spend on stuff anymore. What about the future? Where do I get the money for necessities? What else can I do?”

Like some of you, I have relationships with family, friends and trying to manifest “the one.”  The thinking goes “I’ve been hurt before. Will it work? Now who do I turn to? It’s your fault. This again? Do I not love myself enough? If only you can change a bit! Why does this keep happening to us? I’m not good enough. You are not good enough. I am scared again.”

Like some of you, I’ve been cultivating for years, the mind goes “I’ve tried this and that healing mechanism? What about the law of attraction? Why am I stuck again? What is going on? What am I doing right or wrong? What alternative healing can I do now?”

Fortunately (now looking at it)/unfortunately (at that time), my health crisis lead me to shift gears – drastically!  So I joined and learned meditation and what Buddhism calls dharma — against the kicking and screaming of my angry persona who hated religions and dogma, but somehow, my resonating soul saw the great compassion in this path – and trust me, I was not the most pleasant of all people. It was the “iron-man” journey of all. When applied correctly, I had learned that self-cultivation really brings into our lives experiences in humanity —   the importance of humility, respect for all, compassion for self and others, the reality of karma (cause/consequence), and blessings of great compassionate masters, plus the all you can take “work your ass off”.  None of the law of attraction technique worked, a few of the self-development “universe will attract into my life because I am it” worked smoothly during the path, and the lie of “no karma” hit me so hard, I am just glad I had a heart that did the work and compassionate master who saw compassion to even aid me through my illusions/delusions. I was not in the “high” of happiness. I was experiencing both suffering and happiness (actually more suffering to allow for growth of wisdom, respect, compassion and balance).

Then, there is another layer: EMOTIONS! Why is this happening? I am angry! I am sad. I am happy. I must be losing my mind! I am so frustrated! I am scared. I am lost…..then I realize, 80% of it is from my head, not my heart! So now what? I am emotionless or clueless about my own emotions!????

Basically, after decades of self-development classes, courses, healing – from astrologers to energy healers, I am dumb-founded!!!! Everybody else made money off my pain except me. Everybody else moved forward without or with me. Everybody else felt the right to hurt others and be oblivious about it. AND I AM OK typing this!    Why? It’s because I noticed, we are all in the freakin’ same boat! 

Catholicism taught me the power of “a higher being/creator”. Christianity taught me forgiveness, love and “Christ-Consciousness”. Buddhism taught me great compassion, letting go and respect to the laws of cause/effect, karma of ancestors and children and how we are all intertwined like a tangled knot, plus surprisingly, letting go of all my spiritual concepts until I learned it through actual experiences.  New age spirituality taught me “to be myself” and the power of “Source” and concepts of self-mastery. We are all part of the same source – wherever that is – but instead of conceptualizing it and seeing who is right/wrong, it boils down to my heart’s resonance.  The question is, in the “wi-fii age”, is my heart resonating “high vibration” or not? Honestly, it is doing both! It’s like I got both the angel and not so angelic side come out…

For the first time, I’m not scared. Why? Because I am alive and I have a chance!  For the first time, I am not overwhelmed by the suffering I see on this earth. Instead, I am humbled because the more I know, the more I don’t know. The more I offer compassion, the more love comes through. The more I numb myself down, the more life becomes painful. The more respect I show myself and others, the more I have hope for myself and others. The more I learn to accept life for what it is, the more rooted in reality I am and thus the more empowered I become.  I am rich in hope. I am rich in hope. I am rich in my potential. I am hopeful for my soul….I am hopeful for my own humanity.

I want to laugh at my busy mind yet instead I want to offer it compassion and reduce more “negative judgement” or “good or bad”; I offer my mind compassion for its “head aches”. I want to throw out my emotions yet I want to offer it compassion and reduce “heart aches.” One thing for sure, I want to open my mind and open my heart more.

For the first time, my mind is slowing down. It is just saying “shshshshsh”…..”I’d like to be quiet.”

At one point of my meditation and self-cultivation, I felt an energy in the center of my chest, it has no emotions or thinking or perception, it was just “IT”…I don’t want to grasp the experience of IT but IT showed me that IT IS OK! IT HAS NO APOLOGIES! IT WAS JUST IT!  Was it my soul? I think so but what about my personality? Well, who cares! I still face the same challenges as I do until I no longer do so,  — that “IT” – call it Grace? Maybe…either way, I thank “IT” for that moment…and I let go of that experience!

Now what? Well, I’m in a journey of the heart and mind, body and spirit.  Nothing is what it appears to be in terms of messages of the mind and the heart.  So now what, who do I trust? Where do I go?  When “it” showed me it is ok? Do I just turn into a jerk overnight and make off money from all of people and let greed, fantasy, ignorance and all the hedonism take over? NO!!! Why? Saying “no” and “letting go” is part of enlightenment! Otherwise, why are you self-cultivating for?

So who exactly was cultivating when they were making money off of you and me? I am not going into that discussion. However, my point is – WE ALL HAVE A CHANCE if we journey forward, if we let go, if we feel pain and forgive, if we suffer and let go, if we offer compassion more each day (not out of perfection but because it is through this compassion that we are able to feel relief via forgiveness and grace). WE HAVE A CHANCE FOR GRACE!  Just for an example, the fact that you have forgiven or are still wishing to forgive, you have grace within. The fact that you are seeing suffering and do small acts of kindness for others is part of your compassion. Masters see things simple, are the people around me happy and healthy? They do not build their castle/pavilion out of the suffering of others but help to eradicate the suffering of others – even at the most basic level of food, water, health and shelter.  We heard the story of the great Samaritan so why do we need Uncle Sam or industries to cultivate for us when we do it ourselves each and every day — without noticing it! …and tomorrow is a new day to do more or be more! The difference between the masters and the rest of humanity is their consistency, grace, big heart to offer to those who are outside the family and friends circle and the amount of people they have helped free from suffering.  It is never ending. (sigh) and somehow they have cultivated to transition from giving from a sense of responsibility but a sense of fortune and gratitude.

In my journey, there is offering, humility, wisdom, endurance, silence, discernment, growth, consistency, patience in the path of graceful compassion! What makes it great compassion – time, practice, and letting go!  This is ongoing and never ending! What makes it grace – consistency of practice…. I’m not there yet but hopefully I get there by the time I go bye bye in this world!

I am fortunate to have found so many tools and met teachers and masters who have guided me, but quality of guidance do upgrade as self-cultivation kicks in…..and so are the challenges….I guess it’s not such a bad thing for my soul!

For you readers, whatever methods, whatever spiritual route you choose, may it bring more compassion, grace and peace out of your heart & mind so your light may shine brighter…and we have a chance for grace in this world.    And what about the darkness? I have realized that rather that have my ego “kill darkness”, I’d like to allow Grace of the Divine within and both in heaven/earth help me so that I may have the eyes to see the dark, fortitude to offer compassion to it or at least the humility and wisdom to just walk away…light after all luminates the darkness……

Good luck to me! Life is awful at times but I want to also offer it (life) compassion for in doing so, I offer compassion to my body, mind, heart, soul …and hopefully this will also allow me to let others grow out of their pain and more love in their hearts….and life will have a chance for all of us.

I want to teach something! Somehow, I must have some tools in my own experience that can offer somebody else relief!??? I don’t know how but why not! It can happen! I can do it!  Do I want to be fortunate in terms of finance and health while I do this – absolutely! How do I move forward? I don’t know.

So I’m back to thinking again! Oh life is bliss if I am not playing ping pong of good/bad, suffering/happy, love/hate between my heart and mind, within my mind and within my heart.

My heart and my mind is at peace — for the “dvine now”. What luxury! I offer you and all of us compassion and grace! Please bless me with your well wishes and I bless you for reading this!

Bloom where you are my readers and don’t give up on your heart and soul! If you need help, as you continue to cultivate your heart off, when pain arises, it helps to let go of the suffering to let new energies come through. At times, it doesn’t hurt to call for help from Great Compassionate Energies of Grace in the Universe that come in different reincarnating forms: Source, Kuan Yin, Medicine Buddha, Jesus….as you begin your journey, you may find many masters around you and the ones that will guide you in your journey. We are loved beyond imagination but our hearts just need to clear off dust from life to access and receive Grace……so continue to give so you can shine!

I wish us all success and a beautiful rainbow crystal heart.




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