I am unemployed. I just walked away from a job interview in a company that my heart tells me – it will pay my salary, it will be a great fit! Why? Stupid? Yes and Maybe not.

As you may know, instead of flying to Nepal or some desert, I stayed put and joined a meditation center founded by a Buddhist near Vancouver, BC. I found so many people in there with the same issue – SUFFERING. I started of the journey to heal, then to give back to the center, only to find life’s lessons staring at me.

I hope this does not sound like a judgement but my observations include:

  • The spiritualist or alternative healers, who are in pain because they do not know what to do next in their lives or are depleted from energy. I noticed that if some opened their hearts more, they will find that the actual DOING of volunteer/giving (not just sitting), will help them move forward or access more divine energy.
  • The physically ailing people, who are in pain due to an injury or sickness – what is special about this technique is you re-gain healing energies by doing the work yourself. If some of them opened their hearts more, they will know that sitting to receive healing is only one part, they must conquer some laziness or the mind’s tendency to give up.
  • Others who are in pain due to childhood or adult traumas – If some of them opened their hearts more, they will find that the body wants to find a means to release the cellular memories and as they do the work more, they may cry the pain out and help others heal. If some opened their hearts more, they will find the courage to be accountable for their role in their own problems instead of whining or sleeping.

What I admire about the center is that it just welcomes everybody into the world in the name of compassion. It is fun to observe the people and challenging too! The meditation technique draws energy to the body so deeply into the cellular level that I do not even know how much of a gift it is – because I have not begun to scratch the surface but am benefiting from it now. What I do know is I have cried on things I do not remember and had to detach from the need to find the answers.

What I do know is that base on my observations of miracles happening at that place, everything has to do with ENERGY and COMPASSION.  (So forget about my background on Catholicism, Christianity, New Age Spiritualist or even Buddhism. Time to have new vocabulary!)

What does the above have anything to do with walking away from work? What the director said hit my heart – the path of compassion is not easy. One makes a choice – TO DO IT! If not now, when?

As I meditate, I keep seeing the word “Heaven/Earth will provide” “quit job search”… I have tried detaching to the messages so many times but I must make a choice to move forward. Whatever the reality of this message, I know I have to keep giving to this center and to allow for the new to come into my life. Buddha teaches cause and consequences. Jesus teaches forgiveness and inclusion when he hung out with the tax collectors. New Age taught me to be less discriminating but discerning.

I now realized that part of the cause of all my pain was partly my attachment to the conditioning of I cannot be happy and I am not good enough.  The consequence is that I was taking leadership role in my life but not acknowledging it in myself!!!!   It took a Buddhist-found meditation practice to show me this truth.

I now realized that part of the cause of my pain is the desire to be a full-creator of my life. It took the new age group to show me this. However, it also was limited in a sense that if you think you are god with a “G”, you are in deep trouble. I am quite a nice person but even the nicest person can be stupid because the pride takes over and unintentional acts of stupidity do kick in so…. I guess we are all humans after all! The consequence though is – I found a new “master” to teach me that the simplest thing in life is – COMPASSION AND GIVING! Be happy today and this moment. I guess I’m back to square 1!

Despite all the above, my now healing/healed heart has lead me to give more – I gave in my younger adult years so I think I did very well despite the circumstances.  I got depleted so I now meditate for more energy. I now have to go back to my nature – to give more – because life does not stop moving – even for me.

There is an aspect of me that says “I cannot do it!”  Well, I walked away from my job interview because my heart told me to.  It is time to kick the bucket of I cannot do it!  Besides, what does that mean anyway? I cannot do it – hardwork? I did work my ass off as I put myself through school!  Success – I am not a total failure because I’m compassionate!  I am just growing another piece of my heart to understand and live “greater compassion.”

As I enter a new phase of my life, I am beginning to be more aware of the simplest things and questions — What am I escaping from? What are my attachments? Why don’t I take a more leadership role in my life? If I do not trust myself during this new phase of uncertainty, I still need to LOVE MYSELF and OTHERS.  I am happier now and am recognizing the strength and compassion I have in my heart. I just have to OWN IT more!  There is MORE TO GIVE.  Now what? I do not know again is the answer. What I know is – MY HEALING HEART can lead me to my TRUE HEART. 

Contentment and compassion do not have to come with pageantry. We are all suffering as humans. This is made clear to me. We are all creators of our lives in some way but the matrix of illusion and suffering has made humans more ignorant or powerless in some way. It is a hard lesson for me to accept that I have the same habitual responses as some animals but then again, the gift of being human is the ability to grow a heart and think through ignorance, plus free will.

The answers start from within and finishes in a form of action.  So I hold a space of great compassion for myself and those who will come along in my life -hopefully for the betterment of most.  The job will be there. The money will come in.

Between now and forever, I am crossing my fingers – it is working out! It is not the “manana attitude” that is doing this as I am aware enough to ask myself these questions. It is the fact that I have grown up today and realizing I need to just enjoy more of ME. I just made another difficult decision – to give when somehow my bank account does not see it that way.  There is a higher calling deep from my soul and there are no words. I just have to follow it – from a heart that is expanding.

Let me get a cheap haircut today. Tomorrow is a new day. Today is a good day.

For those who are interested, here is the meditation.

Check out Bodhi meditation too if you are near the San Francisco, Toronto, Vancouver, Malaysia, New York areas..  websites are not the best as it is ran by volunteers who may not be the specialist in the area…but do check the stories out!



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